Post by lordDesu , the SpectralKnight on Sept 25, 2009 0:42:21 GMT -8
Now, about childhood clichés, I hate them; I really, really, really hate them. I always wanted to take a gigantic ice pick and jam it in the faces of those relatives who utter these childhood clichés at the annual family conference. I’m sure that you would have heard at least some of these clichés when you were young, and you would gladly support me by buying my twelve inch long ice pick this Christmas.
The first on my list “Oh how much you have grown!” You know, this usually comes from relatives whom see you once a year. How the hell do you know if I have grown? I may have shrunk for all you know! Did you creep into the head house with a piece of measuring tape while I was sleeping every night and measured me from head to toe, taking records every night? You sick nocturnal sparkly freaks! Edward Cullen aside, isn’t it obvious that I would have grown? Isn’t growth NATURAL?! Why are you stating the OBVIOUS?! Do you have nothing better to say? Even the weather is better than this piece of crap! If not, shut your trap.
Here’s another phrase. “What would you like to be when you grow up?” I bet you all got this a lot when you were a kid. To that, I always reply, “I WANNA BE A PROFESSIONAL WRESTLER! LIKE THE ROCK!” The reaction whenever they hear that is hilarious. Either they’re stunned into silence, and stare at you with big bulging eyes, like those Japanese Koi. Or they raise half an eyebrow, and laugh rather strangely and continue, “Well that’s an interesting profession Dmitri, now, what would you REALLY like to be?” Ohhhhhh, pushy, you ask me a question, I reply, and you doubt my sincerity? Then DON’T ASK ME THIS STUPID QUESTION EVERY YEAR IN THE FIRST PLACE!
You know what I do to those idiots who continue this way? I start to do my best imitation of The Rock. Yes, The Rock. I start to hold an imaginary mike in my hand, put one foot on the dining table and start, “FINALLY… THE ROCK HAS COME BACK TO SINGAPORE!” Looking around, I then continue to lay the verbal smackdownth on the poor sod who dared to question my future dreams with a healthy dose of “Know your role and shut your mouth”, “Smackdown Hotel”, “Pootang Pie”, “Shine it up real nice and stick it up your ass”, “Jarboroni”. The dinner table goes quieter than Grant’s tomb after that, and I never, ever see the relative at the family conference again.
The next overused cliché is “Have you got a girlfriend yet?” You know, this usually comes from the grannies, and my great-grandmother would use this ever so often whenever I saw her. It’s a trick question actually. You can’t answer either yes or no, because either way, you’re screwed. You're screwed. If you say no, those hobo grannies will make that sad looking face, as if they knew I was missing out on something. Mind you, this started when I 10 years old. Ten! I was ten ,you freaks! And girls in Primary 5 DOES NOT COUNT. I didn’t even care about it at that time! How in the blue hell do you expect a child who has never even touched a single issue of Playboy yet to get a girlfriend?
Then, if you answer “yes” to the question about having a girlfriend, those grannies jump on you like a pack of bulldogs trying to squirrel out who that person is! It’s like the Spanish Inquisition all over again. They BOMBARD YOU WITH QUESTIONS ABOUT HER. Have you all no sense of shame? Give me a bit of PRIVACY will you all, and besides what you gonna do if you know her name? Write it in your Death Note? Stalk her and steal her panties to perform a Fengshui ritual? Please leave my love life alone.
And finally, the most irritating one of them all, and exclusive to Singapore and my BELOVED extended family only, the stupid question of “Which secondary school do you want to go to?” To tell you the truth, I didn’t mind that question in the beginning, I always answered truthfully. But as the year went on, the sheer number of people, the MILLIONS of them asking me that question forced me to carry a brick around in my bag, so I could beat the shit out of the people who asked that retarded question. THEY ALL ASK THE SAME STUPID QUESTION. It’s like, everybody pretends to be interested in your education, and I can’t pull off something like “I WANNA GO TO WRESTLING SCHOOL” this time , if I say “NJC”, they’ll make that retarded looking face as if I stepped on some shit or something! Stuff like that makes me want to stuff their stomachs with small bombs and then blow them up via remote control.
Now that I look back on Primary 5, I realized that what I should have done was record down the answer to this question on my MP3 player, and play it on max volume, with an amplifier attached to it for everyone in the vicinity to hear, just in case they wanted to know too. It would have saved me a lot of trouble, since the answer consists of only two words. Just two. And they are:
“SCREW YOU!“
Thank you, and goodbye!
The first on my list “Oh how much you have grown!” You know, this usually comes from relatives whom see you once a year. How the hell do you know if I have grown? I may have shrunk for all you know! Did you creep into the head house with a piece of measuring tape while I was sleeping every night and measured me from head to toe, taking records every night? You sick nocturnal sparkly freaks! Edward Cullen aside, isn’t it obvious that I would have grown? Isn’t growth NATURAL?! Why are you stating the OBVIOUS?! Do you have nothing better to say? Even the weather is better than this piece of crap! If not, shut your trap.
Here’s another phrase. “What would you like to be when you grow up?” I bet you all got this a lot when you were a kid. To that, I always reply, “I WANNA BE A PROFESSIONAL WRESTLER! LIKE THE ROCK!” The reaction whenever they hear that is hilarious. Either they’re stunned into silence, and stare at you with big bulging eyes, like those Japanese Koi. Or they raise half an eyebrow, and laugh rather strangely and continue, “Well that’s an interesting profession Dmitri, now, what would you REALLY like to be?” Ohhhhhh, pushy, you ask me a question, I reply, and you doubt my sincerity? Then DON’T ASK ME THIS STUPID QUESTION EVERY YEAR IN THE FIRST PLACE!
You know what I do to those idiots who continue this way? I start to do my best imitation of The Rock. Yes, The Rock. I start to hold an imaginary mike in my hand, put one foot on the dining table and start, “FINALLY… THE ROCK HAS COME BACK TO SINGAPORE!” Looking around, I then continue to lay the verbal smackdownth on the poor sod who dared to question my future dreams with a healthy dose of “Know your role and shut your mouth”, “Smackdown Hotel”, “Pootang Pie”, “Shine it up real nice and stick it up your ass”, “Jarboroni”. The dinner table goes quieter than Grant’s tomb after that, and I never, ever see the relative at the family conference again.
The next overused cliché is “Have you got a girlfriend yet?” You know, this usually comes from the grannies, and my great-grandmother would use this ever so often whenever I saw her. It’s a trick question actually. You can’t answer either yes or no, because either way, you’re screwed. You're screwed. If you say no, those hobo grannies will make that sad looking face, as if they knew I was missing out on something. Mind you, this started when I 10 years old. Ten! I was ten ,you freaks! And girls in Primary 5 DOES NOT COUNT. I didn’t even care about it at that time! How in the blue hell do you expect a child who has never even touched a single issue of Playboy yet to get a girlfriend?
Then, if you answer “yes” to the question about having a girlfriend, those grannies jump on you like a pack of bulldogs trying to squirrel out who that person is! It’s like the Spanish Inquisition all over again. They BOMBARD YOU WITH QUESTIONS ABOUT HER. Have you all no sense of shame? Give me a bit of PRIVACY will you all, and besides what you gonna do if you know her name? Write it in your Death Note? Stalk her and steal her panties to perform a Fengshui ritual? Please leave my love life alone.
And finally, the most irritating one of them all, and exclusive to Singapore and my BELOVED extended family only, the stupid question of “Which secondary school do you want to go to?” To tell you the truth, I didn’t mind that question in the beginning, I always answered truthfully. But as the year went on, the sheer number of people, the MILLIONS of them asking me that question forced me to carry a brick around in my bag, so I could beat the shit out of the people who asked that retarded question. THEY ALL ASK THE SAME STUPID QUESTION. It’s like, everybody pretends to be interested in your education, and I can’t pull off something like “I WANNA GO TO WRESTLING SCHOOL” this time , if I say “NJC”, they’ll make that retarded looking face as if I stepped on some shit or something! Stuff like that makes me want to stuff their stomachs with small bombs and then blow them up via remote control.
Now that I look back on Primary 5, I realized that what I should have done was record down the answer to this question on my MP3 player, and play it on max volume, with an amplifier attached to it for everyone in the vicinity to hear, just in case they wanted to know too. It would have saved me a lot of trouble, since the answer consists of only two words. Just two. And they are:
“SCREW YOU!“
Thank you, and goodbye!
